Sui, spiraling, vent, not good things 

I'm sorry y'all, I'm venting again. I really wanted this to be a place of positive vibes but I just need to get this out.

I can't take another 30-something
years of this. I don't know how I've survived this long. Existing is so unbearable sometimes, it so absurd. There are people out there that want to live, they enjoy living. How the fuck does that work?

The fact that people exist who *don't* want to kill themselves is such a foreign concept to me.

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Sui, spiraling, vent, not good things 

I can have one of the best days of my life and I'm still weighing my options between living another day and just ending it.

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Sui, spiraling, vent, not good things 

It really bothers me when medical personnel ask if you have a plan. It literally takes no effort to spontaneously come up with something.

"Do you have a plan?"

No but I've got 3 bridges/overpasses, 2 bodies of water, multiple buildings with unsecured roof access, and an apartment full of knives and hazardous cleaning products.

It takes seconds to come up with a plan.

Sui, spiraling, vent, not good things 

Honestly a short amount of alone time and an exacto blade in the shower isn't rocket science.

Sui, spiraling, vent, not good things 

Fight, flight, or freeze.

I've been frozen for years. I'm just a deer in the headlights, watching in slow motion as the headlights come ever closer.

It's very odd watching as everything falls apart around me. I'm just like "oh, that's not a good sign" as I start experiencing the consequences of my own inaction.

Friends and relationships, my career, my living space. Self care, etc.

Sui, spiraling, vent, not good things 

When animals are sick and living a terrible quality of life, we put them down humanly.

Do I not have the right to be put down?

How can we say that I've got a reasonable quality of life when my brain is constantly begging to be dead and put out of misery?

This fucking cage I'm in doesn't have walls but I'm still trapped. I pace back and forth until I'm tired and then I just lay down.

Sui, spiraling, vent, not good things 

It's like I'm in a zoo. I exist. I need a caretaker. I'm just waiting to die in captivity. I spend most my time sleeping.

Sui, spiraling, vent, not good things 

I can't survive another 30 years of this. I refuse.

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