Sui --- & vague allusions 

It's oddly scary knowing that you'll eventually die by your own hand. It's a very ominous feeling but it eventually just becomes so *normal*, like a roommate in a small apartment. You're going to bump into them a lot. You eventually find a way of dealing with it.

Sui --- & vague allusions 

I recently had an epiphany from therapy. There is a piece missing from my life. It's one that I CANT obtain. This isn't something that I can just hand wave away with things like "who knows what the future holds" or "well if you really want it, you'll eventually get it". It's something I will not ever experience.

Sui --- & vague allusions 

I'm actually starting to feel terrified knowing that. How do you accept that something so deep in the core of your own being isn't feasible? How does one just accept that there is a hole in their life that cannot and should not be filled?

This is one of the reasons I don't believe in the devine. If a god existed why would they make a creature that's missing something so fundamental to them living a satisfying life?

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Sui --- & vague allusions 

I guess that I'm the creature that evolved wrong. Defective in a way that luckily isn't passed on to the next generation. Here's hoping that future creatures won't share this pain.

I can't remember the time that I've cried about anything else.

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Sui --- & vague allusions 

I think the best option I've got is to forget this pain for as long as I can bear, spend however much time I have left getting my affairs in order. Perhaps pave the way to make this as painless as I can for those around me.

Nobody deserves the pain of losing a loved one, but I really don't think that there's another way. It's almost comical that anything I do to end this pain is guaranteed to make another suffer.

What a cruel position to be in.

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