Zannah the Mare @mare@mares.cafe

Scar can betray me and throw me into a stampede of wildebeest anytime.

Hey, did you know that its 100% ok to admit that you need assistance?

Sometimes I feel we may just need a gentle reminder about this.

Do you think that the devil would make folks sign a non-disclosure agreement when making a deal?

It's never too late to become soft.

Logging on feels like coming home ♥️

I've had a trusted friend tell me that I've been a snippy bitch for like the last 6 months...

Oof

How on earth did I break a nail while taking a nap???

It looks like our little spider friend has passed.
Sorry little friend 🕷️

If I took all my loose hair that collected on my hairbrush, felted it into a little heart, and then put that little heart into a little felted wool animal, and then gifted that felt animal to someone I love...

Spider friend has not lost any more legs!

I was worried because, sure spiders have lots of legs; but they only have so many to lose!

So there's this spider in my bathroom. Every time I see it it has one less leg.

It now has 6 legs...

What is it doing to lose legs so quickly??
How many more times will I see this spider with less legs than before?

WTF?

Ok picture this:

I'm cooking two sausages.
Accidentally burn them and blackened the pan.
"Oh, I know exactly how to fix this!"
I turn down the heat. Make a cold cornstarch slurry and whisk till blended.
Pour it into the pan with a little lemon juice. I deglaze the pan and make a nice gravy.

Grab a plate, a fork, and clean up the dirty dishes as the gravy thickens....

I check the pan to see if the gravy is ready

I've burnt the sausages AND the gravy

Hahaha

(Tastes fine!)

I can't survive another 30 years of this. I refuse.

It's like I'm in a zoo. I exist. I need a caretaker. I'm just waiting to die in captivity. I spend most my time sleeping.

When animals are sick and living a terrible quality of life, we put them down humanly.

Do I not have the right to be put down?

How can we say that I've got a reasonable quality of life when my brain is constantly begging to be dead and put out of misery?

This fucking cage I'm in doesn't have walls but I'm still trapped. I pace back and forth until I'm tired and then I just lay down.

Fight, flight, or freeze.

I've been frozen for years. I'm just a deer in the headlights, watching in slow motion as the headlights come ever closer.

It's very odd watching as everything falls apart around me. I'm just like "oh, that's not a good sign" as I start experiencing the consequences of my own inaction.

Friends and relationships, my career, my living space. Self care, etc.

Honestly a short amount of alone time and an exacto blade in the shower isn't rocket science.

It really bothers me when medical personnel ask if you have a plan. It literally takes no effort to spontaneously come up with something.

"Do you have a plan?"

No but I've got 3 bridges/overpasses, 2 bodies of water, multiple buildings with unsecured roof access, and an apartment full of knives and hazardous cleaning products.

It takes seconds to come up with a plan.

I can have one of the best days of my life and I'm still weighing my options between living another day and just ending it.

I'm sorry y'all, I'm venting again. I really wanted this to be a place of positive vibes but I just need to get this out.

I can't take another 30-something
years of this. I don't know how I've survived this long. Existing is so unbearable sometimes, it so absurd. There are people out there that want to live, they enjoy living. How the fuck does that work?

The fact that people exist who *don't* want to kill themselves is such a foreign concept to me.

Hahaha, I come back to the living room and my (mostly) blind dog is begging at the office chair I was sitting in a few minutes ago.

I stood behind him for a moment as he attempts to jump and play for attention, then sits nicely waiting for attention, and the puts his little paw on the chair for attention.

Too bad I'm not in the chair!

(Don't worry, he eventually realized I was behind him and he got a walk and pets so he's all good now)

I think the best option I've got is to forget this pain for as long as I can bear, spend however much time I have left getting my affairs in order. Perhaps pave the way to make this as painless as I can for those around me.

Nobody deserves the pain of losing a loved one, but I really don't think that there's another way. It's almost comical that anything I do to end this pain is guaranteed to make another suffer.

What a cruel position to be in.

I guess that I'm the creature that evolved wrong. Defective in a way that luckily isn't passed on to the next generation. Here's hoping that future creatures won't share this pain.

I can't remember the time that I've cried about anything else.

I'm actually starting to feel terrified knowing that. How do you accept that something so deep in the core of your own being isn't feasible? How does one just accept that there is a hole in their life that cannot and should not be filled?

This is one of the reasons I don't believe in the devine. If a god existed why would they make a creature that's missing something so fundamental to them living a satisfying life?

I recently had an epiphany from therapy. There is a piece missing from my life. It's one that I CANT obtain. This isn't something that I can just hand wave away with things like "who knows what the future holds" or "well if you really want it, you'll eventually get it". It's something I will not ever experience.